Jezebel?
by MistressArafaxdeep
Summary: A collection of cracktastic oneshots. Itachi and Sai make a bet. Naruto and Hanabi watch a Halloween horror. The Akatsuki plays truth or dare. And Hiashi thinks Neji's gay. ItaSai continues on Ny-meria-21's page. Look at my profile for details.
1. A Bet

**This story is super short. Also it is very much so crack...and it's yaoi on top of that. Me? Write yaoi of my own accord? Without a friend shoving it down my throat? This is truly a day I never expected to happen. But ItachiXSai was demanding attention in its neglect and my slight interest and so this story came into existance.**

**Sai and Itachi are not mine. Which is unfortunate.

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**

"You probably don't have a penis either."

"What did you just say to me?" Itachi said incredulously as he turned to confront the offensive boy.

"I bet you don't have a penis. Just like your whiney little brother."

Itachi glared. "Care to put money on that?"

Sai hmphed. "Sure, I'll put money on it."

Itachi stared at him like he was the biggest retard ever. Did the boy seriously think that he didn't have a penis? Honestly, it was pretty obvious that he was a male. And usually under normal circumstances, males had penises. That's how it worked. And the Akatsuki didn't have any crazy rituals or rules that required the guys to become eunuchs…

Turning on his heel and walking away from Sai, he heard the boy yell, "I put down twenty bucks!" before he disappeared into a puff of smoke.

Well, Sai was starting to wonder if he'd won the bet. Because yes, he had been serious about it. So he made it his goal for the day to somehow find out the truth. And so Sai came up with an ingenious plan….

* * *

Itachi was eating lunch. Having disregarded the events of the morning, he moved back into his normal frame of mind. His thought wandered onto…well whatever it is that Itachi thinks about on a regular basis. Which would probably be, "When is Sasuke ever going to kill me?" He finished his ramen…because yes Itachi was eating ramen, and paid. He was about ready to stand up and leave when a hand was placed on shoulder.

It was Sai. "Uchiha! I demand that you show me your penis!"

The owner of the ramen stand gaped. "Get a room you two," he told them as he kicked them out of his stand. "I will not be having nudity at my shop!"

Itachi just stared at Sai. "Are you being serious?"

"Yes. If you have a penis I'll give you twenty bucks."

Itachi shrugged, pulling down his pants and showing the boy what he wanted to see was worth twenty bucks to him. And so in the middle of the street, the infamous Itachi Uchiha pulled down his pants. Sai looked down, saw what he wanted to see…which happened to be Itachi penis and said, "I guess you do have one."

Itachi gave him an annoyed glare and pulled his pants back up. "Happy? Now give my twenty bucks!"

Sai shrugged. "I don't have it with me. But if you'd come home with me I'll give it to you." Itachi grumbled but followed the boy back to his apartment.

* * *

Itachi stood in the living room waiting for Sai to find his money. This was ridiculous. But he did enjoy looking at the boy's art. He was quite good. Deidara would have been jealous. Sai walked back into the living room. "Here ya go," he said, his face in his classic fake smile as he handed Itachi the bill.

Itachi grabbed it out of the boy's hand. "Thanks. Now I'm leaving."

Sai looked disappointed. "Let's have another bet," he said suddenly.

"What?"

Sai thought for a moment. "Do you want to see if I have a penis?"

"That's not a bet," Itachi said flippantly. "And no, I don't."

"Fine…I bet I can get you undressed in five seconds."

Before Itachi had time to think about what Sai had said to him, he was pinned against the door, Sai's lips pressing against his, and the younger boy stripping him. Itachi wasn't really sure if Sai had accomplished the task in the designated amount of time, but he'd certainly accomplished getting him undressed. For some reason, Itachi didn't really feel like stopping the boy, so he just let him go, letting Sai do with him as he pleased.

* * *

**If you want more smut go ahead and imagine it yourself. I will not be imagining it for you. I think I'm going to make this into a series of random pairing oneshots. Some will be more on crack, others will be less on crack. It all depends on my mood. I might even throw in some angsty, horror stuff as a special halloween present. Do not be surprised if it ends up as a parody of Idle Hands...**


	2. A Party

**Alright so this is my NarutoXHanabi story. I hope you like the Halloween-ness of it. I couldn't help myself. Also if you've never heard of the movie I mention in here, don't worry about it. But if you get the chance, I recomment you watch it. It's great.**

**Naruto, Hanabi, and the assorted other characters that I may mention do not belong to me.**

* * *

Hanabi was angry. This wasn't really surprising since Hanabi was a very angry young woman. But Hinata had ditched her. Well not really, because it hadn't been Hinata's choice. They had planned on going to the annual Konoha Halloween party together, but instead her sister now had to go on a mission. She didn't have anyone else to go with and she really wanted to go. But she didn't want to go by herself. Everyone else was already going in a group and she wouldn't be allowed to just join in with them. And Neji refused to be seen with her in public.

So she had left the Hyuuga complex in a huff. She was angry. Not at anyone in particular, just angry. So she wasn't paying attention when she turned a corner and ran into the one and only Naruto Uzamaki. She bounced backwards, but caught herself before she fell down. "Oh sorry," she said and then started to walk away.

"Hey wait!" he called to her. When she turned around, he asked, "Aren't you Hinata's little sister?"

"What gave it away? My extremely introvert personality or my eyes?" she asked sarcastically.

Naruto ignored the question and the tone of derision in her voice. "So were you invited to the party tonight?"

Hanabi sighed. "I was invited, but I'm not going because I don't have anyone to go with."

Naruto's eyes lit up. "Wow, neither do I. We could go together. That is…only if you want to," he said, trying not to make himself sound desperate.

Hanabi saw this as being the perfect opportunity, even if she didn't really like the older boy. She'd be willing to put up with him so long as she didn't have to go alone. "I'll do it," she said after waiting a bit so that it looked like she had to think about her answer. After all, the Hyuuga didn't want to appear desperate either.

"Alright!" Naruto declared excitedly. "You want me to come pick you up?" he asked.

Hanabi thought about it. "Hmm…it might be better if I come get you. Father would be angry if you came to pick me up." Naruto nodded, knowing full well that Hiashi was crazy and that this was a logical suggestion. "So I'll be there around seven, I guess."

"Cool. That sounds like a plan." Naruto smiled at her, waved goodbye and then headed off to see Tsunade like he'd been doing before he ran into the youngest Hyuuga.

* * *

Hanabi was dressing up as a vampire for the party. Mostly because she thought that it was a good idea for her since her skin was pale, her hair was dark, and her eyes were a strange color. She heavily applied eye make-up to give herself the "living-dead" look. She had managed to find a pair of those fang caps, so she put them on her canine teeth, and she instantly had vampire fangs. The last step was her bright red lipstick. This was all an accent to the black dress she'd found in her deceased mother's closet. She figured it must have been her mother's wedding dress because marrying into the Hyuuga family was like committing suicide.

It was a pretty dress, regardless of what it had originally been used for. It had a tight bodice with a flowing skirt. It also revealed more of Hanabi's chest than she thought was appropriate, but vampires were supposed to be a little trampy so Hanabi just went with it. When she finished with her costume, it was just about seven. So she checked her appearance in the mirror one last time, just to make sure she looked enough like a vampire and headed off to go pick up Naruto.

He of course was ready to go when she got there and he was very excited. She found it ironic that he had chosen to go as a vampire as well. And when she made a remark about how their costumes, he just grinned, saying, "We're perfect together, Hanabi."

She shook her head as they made their way into the bottom of the Hokage's tower, where the party was being held. Hanabi didn't have many friends. Her teammates had decided not to come. She didn't know why. But she was there and she was going to enjoy it. So she grabbed herself some punch, and went to see who she could talk to. Of course she saw Neji and pointedly ignored him. As well as a few others who she didn't feel like socializing with. She realized there was no one who she wanted to talk to so she sat down, feeling sad and disappointed. This was why she had wanted to go with Hinata. No matter what, she would at least feel appreciated around her sister, as well as have someone to hang out with.

* * *

Naruto had made his way to talk to his assorted friends. Everyone was there, and he was having a fun He realized that Hanabi was sitting on a chair looking forlorn. Since technically she was his date, he decided to see if he could make her feel better. "Hey Hanabi!" he greeted her cheerfully as he walked up to her.

Looking up at him, she said, "Oh, hey Naruto."

He frowned at sat down beside her. "You don't look like you're having a good time. What's wrong?"

"Well, I don't have anyone to hang out with. None of my friends are here."

"Why don't we go dance? They do have a little dance area over there," he said as he pointed in the direction the music was coming from. Hanabi nodded in agreement. It would be better than sitting by herself and not doing anything. And so Naruto and Hanabi danced for a while.

* * *

Surprisingly, Hanabi found the blonde entertaining. He was really funny and an easy person to be around. She couldn't help but like him. But as he danced with her, Hanabi started thinking about what else their relationship could become. A reel of what-ifs played through her head. And some of these what-ifs were causing her to blush. She was glad for her make-up at that moment. Naruto would never be able to notice the reddish tone of her skin.

"Hey Hanabi!" he shouted so that she could hear him over the music. "Do you wanna go back to my place and watch a movie?"

Hanabi, who had by this point formed her own little crush on Naruto because of the kindness he'd shown her, nodded in agreement. The two of them left, and headed back to his apartment. During the walk, Hanabi kept sneaking little glances at him. Yep, she'd developed a crush faster than she thought imaginable. He was so cute and sweet and nice. She finally understood why her sister liked him so much.

The thought of Hinata made her gulp. What would her sister think if she found out that her younger sister liked the same guy she did? But they had reached Naruto's place and all thought of her sister was erased by thoughts of being alone with Naruto in his house.

Naruto showed her to the living room and told her to make herself comfortable. So she sat down while he went to change. Having changed into his normal outfit of black and orange, he walked back into the living room. "I'm going to make some popcorn then. If you want, you can change into these. I didn't think you'd want to watch a movie in that pretty dress." Hanabi blushed at his statement, and stood up to take the white t-shirt and pair of sweatpants out of his hands. She thanked him as he told her that she could change in his bedroom.

So Hanabi went off to Naruto's bedroom and changed, found a hanger in Naruto's closet and hung the dress on the door before she left. She sat back down on the couch and Naruto brought in the popcorn. He announced, "I know this movie is really cheesy, but it's one of the best Halloween movies I've ever seen." Hanabi shrugged. She didn't really care what they watched just as long as she got to spend more time with Naruto. So Naruto started the movie and sat down beside her.

* * *

After an hour and a half of horror comedy, Idle Hands ended. "Yeah, that movie wasn't scary after I found out that Anton's hand was what was killing the people," Hanabi said. "But it was good though."

Naruto smiled. "I'm glad you liked it." Naruto looked at the clock, and commented, "It's pretty late. Shouldn't you go home?"

Hanabi looked at the time and saw that it was well after midnight. Her father cared about her, but he wouldn't notice if she didn't go home. He would have just assumed she had mission that she hadn't told him about. So Hanabi shrugged and said, "Nah, I won't be missed."

"Well you can spend the night if you like," Naruto casually suggested.

Hanabi was quite excited by this. Spending the night with Naruto…heck yes! He stood up and led her to the bedroom. Hanabi started getting nervous and flustered. She was going to do it with Naruto! Hot, dreamy, kind Naruto. She stepped in and climbed into the bed Naruto smiled at her. "Alright Hanabi, have a good night. I'll be on the couch if you need me."

Hanabi's dreams about sleeping with Naruto vanished. Oh well, maybe that was for the best. "Good night then," he said as he turned his back.

Hanabi shut her eyes and told him, "Good night." Mentally she berated herself for allowing herself to have fallen for Naruto so quickly. It was…well, mostly it was unexpected. He was a few years older. But she liked how he treated her. Most people ignored her, but he was different and had paid attention to her. She liked it. Plus he was good looking.

She opened her eyes and looked up at the ceiling. She stared at the writing there in horror. Written in fluorescent letters were the words, "I'M UNDER THE BED." This caused Hanabi to freak out, as of seeing how that phrase was a pertinent part of the horror movie she had just watched. So she screamed and ran out of the bedroom and right to Naruto on the couch. She got on the couch next to him and tried to calm down.

He opened one eye up to look at her. "I got you," he said, a mischievous grin adorning his face.

Hanabi glared at him but snuggled into his. "It wasn't funny," she whispered.

"Yeah it was. But just relax and go to sleep." Hanabi nodded and rested her head on the pillow that they happened to be sharing. "Oh, and Hanabi," Naruto said to her quietly. She tilted her head up to look at him, as his lips pressed against hers.

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**I'm sorry for using Idle Hands. I was watching it so that's what I blame. I hope you liked it.**


	3. A Dare

**So this oneshot is ridiculous. And I'm sorry that my Konan and Pein oneshot doesn't have more Konan and Pein. But it was too much fun writing the other stuff and I'm trying to keep the rating T for this one. Which is something of a miracle considering the amount of M stuff I write.**

**Anyways hope you enjoy these characters who aren't mine.

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**

"Alright, it's your turn Deidara. Truth or dare?"

The blonde thought for a moment. "Truth," he decided out loud.

The person who'd asked the question, Hidan, grinned wickedly…although that was his usual expression. "Okay then. How many girls have you banged?" he asked, placing extra emphasis on the "bang" as to make fun of Deidara's catch phrase.

Deidara shrugged. "Probably about two thousand. The number's too high to count."

Everybody gasped in shock, well except for Tobi because he didn't really get what was going on. Kisame managed to stutter, "You had sex with over two thousand different girls?"

It was at this point that Deidara realized that he'd misinterpreted the question. He'd taken "banged" for meaning "blown up." But he didn't want to answer the real question. It was too embarrassing.

"I, erm…No, I haven't," he answered nervously, trying to find the least embarrassing way to answer the question.

Zetsu asked, "How many then?"

Deidara frowned and looked thoroughly uncomfortable. "Well, actually…it's…okay fine! None! Are you happy?"

Everybody burst out laughing except for Deidara and Itachi, who happened to be smirking in amusement. This of course made Deidara very angry. "Why is that so funny?" he shouted out.

When the Akatsuki's laughter finally ended, Kisame answered, "It's funny because you're Mr. Charismatic Pretty Boy. Girls usually go crazy over that sort of thing. I mean even Itachi, who doesn't say more than like two words in a sentence, has done it with a girl." Itachi glared at his partner.

This sent Deidara over the edge. He always hated being compared to Itachi and not measuring up. So he "accidentally" made a clay spider and blew up the table. After that he stormed away, ranting incoherently, and going to hide in his room for the rest of the night.

The stunned Akatsuki members looked at the burnt up pile of ash that had just several seconds earlier been a table. "So uh, who's next?" Hidan asked.

"Not sure," Kakuzu put in.

"Yeah I know. It was Deidara's turn to ask, but he's obviously not playing anymore," Kisame said.

"Hidan go," Itachi grumbled irritably.

"Fine," Hidan said, then stopped to think of who he wanted to ask.

It was during this time, that the ever-elusive Leader and his female partner walked into the kitchen. All heads turned to stare at the pair. "What are you doing?" the Leader asked them.

"Nothing really," Zetsu said. "Just a game of truth or dare."

The blue haired woman raised her eyebrows. "Could I play?" she inquired. "I haven't played this game is so long."

"Umm…sure," Kisame responded.

"Come on Pein," the woman prompted. "You play too. It'll be fun."

"Fine Konan, but I don't want to," he said as he pulled up a chair and sat down.

She stuck her tongue out at him and sat down in Deidara's vacated seat. Kisame announced, "Alright Hidan, go."

Hidan who now had a very evil look on his face said, "Alright Konan. This one's for you. Truth or dare?"

Konan smirked. "I'm going to chose dare."

"Alright then. I dare you to make-out with one of us playing the game."

Everybody looked at Hidan liked he'd lost his mind. But Konan calmly stood up. "I accept," she said with a smirk. She walked over to Pein and ran her hand across his shoulders. He stood up and faced her. She kissed his lips, giving him a little tongue with it. Things started to escalate from there, while the other members watched in awe. Of course Pein and Konan showed no signs of letting up and pretty soon, they started pulling off each other's clothes.

So the game of Truth or Dare got disrupted as the Akatsuki members filed out of the kitchen so that they wouldn't have to witness the result of where the make-out session in the kitchen was headed. They sat in the living room area watching the T.V. really loud to block out the noises coming from the kitchen. Still they couldn't quite turn it up loud enough and they heard the phrases, "Oh Konan!" and "Oh Pein!" screamed out quite a few times. Itachi frowned, and muttered, "Oh goody. Time for more mental repression," as he thought back to the time years ago when he'd walked in on his parents. He shuddered at the images.

They turned the T.V. up to its maximum volume and when the episode of Sailor Moon ended the noises coming from in the kitchen had ceased. Hidan frowned. "I'm not cleaning that up," he announced. "I only asked for a make-out session, not a love-making session."

Kisame said, "Everyone who votes for Hidan to clean it up, raise your hand."

Every single hand went up. So Hidan stood up, muttering profanities under his breath and went off to clean the kitchen.

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**I really do like this one a lot. The Akatsuki members playing truth or dare was priceless for me. And I had to have them watch Sailor Moon. It was too perfect. And I loved the awkwardness. Oh, and Itachi killed his parents because of the naked images of them that plague his mind whenever he closes his eyes. XD I'm seriously crazy. Anyways, I hope you liked it and please leave me some reveiws.**


	4. A Kiss

**The last oneshot for now. That is at least until I finish the Element series I'm working on for Deviant Art. It's great fun. This was a request by SithMistress (she's on my fav list...check her out). NejiTenten! YAY!**

**Obviously the characters are not mine.

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**

"Neji," a deep voice reprimanded.

"But…but I don't want to. I'm not choosing one of them. I'm not going to do it." The boy stomped away from his uncle, muttering. Hiashi sighed. Neji was being exceedingly difficult. All Hiashi wanted was to see his nephew happy. And by happy he meant happily married.

Neji had refused all of the young ladies Hiashi had suggested. They were all very attractive and would make good wives. But Neji had shot down every single one. This lack of interest in any of the women had seriously frustrated Hiashi. And so the first person Hiashi came across, he vented to. This person happened to be Kakashi.

* * *

Kakashi easily located the person he was looking for. It wasn't hard considering that the young man was at his favorite place in the world, Icharuka. "Naruto," he said as he approached the blonde boy who was gobbling down ramen.

He choked on his food as he swallowed too fast. He coughed to clear it out his throat, and turned around. "Kakashi-sensei!" he greeted with a huge smile on his face.

Kakashi got straight to business. "I have a job for you."

"A job? Am I going on a mission?"

"Actually no. Apparently Hyuuga-sama thinks that that Neji kid needs to get laid."

Naruto interrupted. "Hehe! Yeah! Big time!"

Kakashi shot him a look and continued on with the story. "Well, he introduced Neji to a lot of pretty, young women and he didn't like any of them."

Naruto interrupted again. "Of course he didn't like any of them. He's got his eye on—"

"Naruto…all you really need to do is spend the day with Neji and assure Hiashi that Neji isn't gay. At the moment, that's what he's concerned about."

Naruto burst out laughing. "Neji? Gay? I think not. That's hilarious."

"Well, you may know that he's not gay, but Hiashi doubts it. So you're spending the day with Hyuuga Neji whether you like it or not."

"Fine," Naruto sighed. "I'll spend the day with him." He stood up from his stool and went to find Neji.

* * *

Neji knew that someone was coming. So he activated his Byakugan to find out who. He was surprised when he realized that it was Naruto and he automatically assumed that Hiashi had something to do with the blonde coming to visit him.

"Hey Neji," he greeted when he spotted the young man.

"What are you doing here Naruto?" Neji asked annoyed.

"You should know. Your uncle made Kakashi make me come spend the day with you. He thinks you're gay, you know?"

Neji choked on nothing. "What? Hiashi thinks I'm gay?"

Naruto nodded. "Personally, I found it ridiculous seeing as how you've got your eye on Tenten. Why don't you just tell them?"

Neji shrugged. "I don't really want my family prying into my personal life. At least, not anymore than they already do."

Naruto nodded his understanding. "Well in any case we should do something to prove your straightness."

Neji sighed. "I guess we should."

And so Naruto and Neji decided to go spying. Well more like peeping. They were headed off to see the young ladies in the bath house. And hopefully they would get caught (Naruto figured that they would because he always got caught) and publicly humiliated and then Hiashi would have to know that Neji wasn't gay because he had been looking at naked women.

Having made their way to the wooden barrier surrounding the women's bathing area, Naruto headed to investigate the boards to find the best peeping spot. After a bit of searching he realized that Neji wasn't helping him out. "You know that it's like an unspoken rule to help find the best hole when peeping with another person."

Neji frowned. Crossing his arms across his chest, he said, "Screw the rules. I have Byakugan." So Neji stood there looking in on Tenten bathing with his Byakugan. And he thoroughly enjoyed the view he was getting. Of course, as Naruto had said, he got caught like usual, after he'd sneezed really loud and fallen out of the tree he had been peeping from.

Neji sighed as a whole bunch of robed women came out to assault them. Of course, they weren't surprised to see Naruto. But they were shocked to see Neji, especially Tenten. "Why are you peeping?" she hissed at him.

He just shrugged. Naruto just got really frustrated with Neji and shouted out, "Dammit Tenten! Neji likes you!"

Of course, this drew a glare from Neji. But Tenten was jubilant about this piece of information. "Really Neji?" she asked him excitedly.

The Hyuuga prodigy turned his attention to the young woman. He nodded. "Yeah, I do."

Tenten squeeled. "Oh, Neji! I've liked you forever!" She pecked him on the cheek. When she moved back, he shot her a questioning look. Then a smirk played across his face as he grabbed her and kissed her.

* * *

As luck would have it, Hiashi was walking by at that very moment for his afternoon bath house session. He had noticed the large crowd of women and had glanced over to see who the unfortunate peeping tom was. He almost went into cardiac arrest when he saw what was happening. His nephew was making out with a girl. He let out a sigh of relief. At least the boy wasn't gay.

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**It's finished. Leave me some reviews. I'm still open for pairing suggestions, I'm just going to be highly selective about which ones I use. Very selective indeed. But yes...sorry about twisting up some Yugioh Abridged qoutes in there. I couldn't help myself.**


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